Newt Gingrich has announced his candidacy for President of the United States on his website, newt.org , not to be confused with salamander.net. This is a great relief for America because Newt Gingrich brings something brand new to the table:
America has been crying out for a Presidential candidate who will boldly refuse to go where many have gone before: in front of a mirror. Newt’s website seeks to amend his 1994 Contract with America with several notable and commendable points:
1. “Together we will squint into the future .”
2. “Newt: 80/20 focus on job creation .”
3. “Newt: I’m pretty sure I checked the ‘Run for President’ box and not just the ‘Donate $3 to the Federal Election Campaign Fund box on my tax return.”
4. Gingrich also stood in front of a huge chart — crammed with tiny print (while wearing huge glasses) — outlining what he said are 1,968 new ‘grants of powers to bureaucrats’ under the law, according to the January 21, 2011 edition of the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation .
Why are the huge glasses so darn important? Because Newt Gingrich has nothing to offer other than last century, worn out, “kinda smells a little like Aspercreme” pseudo-conservatism (read: Republican Party-ism). He also has a much less than stellar performance in the ‘personal life’ category:
1. Gingrich met his first wife (of three) while he was a minor in high school – his teacher. They were married for eighteen wonderful years. He served her with divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from uterine cancer. He had apparently been very active in the extramarital-affairs department during that marriage.
2. He began dating his second wife before his first divorce was finalized (in other words he was still married). Surprisingly, she agreed to marry him anyway. Not surprisingly, he had been having at least one affair at the same time and he divorced her in 1999 after she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.
3. During his divorce proceedings from his second wife, Calista Bisek admitted to having had a multi-year affair with him throughout the 1990’s, including during President Clinton’s affair and subsequent impeachment over the Monica Lewinsky scandal, of which Gingrich was a staunch critic. So, he of course married her (and asked her to marry him before he asked his second wife for a divorce).
4. It has since been 10+ years and I think it’s safe to say two things: 1) Newt Gingrich isn’t gay, and 2) he is more than likely cheating on his current wife (after all, she was the product of an affair and his solid record of cheating is stained with only a few years of fidelity).
Newt – I’d strongly suggest, as a matter of personal responsibility, that you exchange your huge glasses for a huge pair of suspenders. Maybe they’ll help you keep your pants on.
I think it’s safe to say that we can push Gingrich off the train at the next stop without a second thought.
In love of liberty,
The Bulletproof Patriot